the on call chronicles
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: collab with the blanket! AU. Bastard-sensei was getting a "physical" from Dr. Haruno in the supply closet, Sai the Male Nurse was smiling like a creeper, Dr. Hatake was changing his female of choice by the hour and Dr. Nara, by the minute. I hate my job.
1. Chapter 1

**author:** ohwhatsherblanket!  
**warning:** A LOT OF INUNEDO.  
**note:** we love _Grey's Anatomy_ so much, so naturally… _this_ happened. :D

Anyway, this is crack. CRACK. We know surgeons do _real work_, don't worry!

MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOWEVER, THIS WAS MADE TO PIMP OUT **FRACTUREDTALES**. GO CHECK IT OUT!

* * *

DAY ONE_  
WELCOME TO HELL_

Why am I writing this log again?

Hm.

Hmmmm.

…

OK, no, can't remember. Let me think about it a little bit.

LET'S REWIND—what'd I do today?

So I woke up late, missed breakfast, got to work, walked to the vending machine today—the new one next to the resident's locker rooms, not the ones near the nurse's station with the old popcorn and the crappy sports drinks. I got some ramen—and oh yeah, I got pissed, because what the hell, why were there no _udon-style _spicy miso flavored noodles today? It's been freaking _ages_ since I last had that—definitely since like, before stupid Shikamaru bought that new lock for his cubby and made it so I couldn't nab any during my break times. Bastard. Stingy much? It's not like he can't afford to treat me every now and then—he makes like, three times as much as me, and for the non-work related crap I do for him, he should be _grateful_ that all I ask for is ramen. God, if baa-chan heard about some of the things he's asked me to—

OH YEAH. I REMEMBER NOW.

THIS IS ALL BAA-CHAN'S FAULT.

* * *

DAY TWO:  
_THE WHORE REPORT_

Stupid baa-chan. The assignment she gave me yesterday is balls. Balls balls balls.

"Be a _sponge_," she tells me. "Record your observations," she tells me. "Be discreet," she tells me.

I CALL SHENANIGANS.

She swears it's to protect everyone from last month's catastrophe—thanks for giving half the nursing station the Syph, Patient Zero/KIBA; I'm sure they would've preferred some nice CHOCOLATE instead, but I'm sure this works also—and to make sure no one's doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel, or whatever, BUT I KNOW HER GAME.

I saw those orange paperbacks in the bottom left drawer of her office desk (when I was trying it out last week—P.S. SORRY FOR THE BROTH STAINS ON YOUR CASHMERE SWEATER. NEXT TIME, DON'T LEAVE IT HANGING IT ON THE BACK OF MY FUTURE CHAIR WHEN I'M EATING RAMEN, THANKS.)

I'M ONTO YOU BAA-CHAN—YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED "THE WHOLE TRUTH," THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING A PROFESSIONAL "FLOOR REPORT."

SO I'M COMBINING AND GIVING YOU A _WHORE _REPORT—I KNOW ERO-OJI's SERIES ISN'T DOING IT FOR YOU ANYMORE.

I KNOW YOU WANT THIS LOG FOR THE PORN.

And porn there shall be, _naturally_.

Really, is this a hospital or a brothel? Baa-chan, what the heck are you _running_? There are way too many people screwing around in this place – I may be a sponge but those are some fluids I'd rather not absorb. Ever.

For one, Bastard-sensei – oh, excuse me, _Dr. Uchiha _(the younger one) – for whatever reason, seems to be coming out of the on-call room and supply closets and storage rooms looking all rumpled and completely satisfied, and then a minute later, out comes the Nazi herself (Dr. Haruno) with her buttons mismatched and her hair like a bird's nest. Er, please don't tell Dr. Haruno I said that, actually. She is cruel. Seriously. I have a theory that she's the Devil in disguise, which is the only reason someone as monstrous as Bastard-sensei could be attracted to her since you know, he's asexual. Obviously there must be some magic at work, right? RIGHT? Right. Her cruelty.

So last week, Bastard-sensei was all "Uzumaki, get out of my face."

"Why?" I asked. I was innocent. Really. He pointed to Dr. Haruno, who was yapping off to Kiba and Gaara, and said that I was under her service today, and that Banshee (Dr. Yamanaka) was going under Dr. Nara (literally).

When I went over to Dr. Haruno, she was all, "Uzumaki, you're late," with _the_ biggest smile. Kiba smirked at me so I knew something was wrong. You know what she did? She made me do rectal exams all morning. There is only so much inserting of fingers a doctor can do without feeling a bit like a rapist. Sigh.

But right. Sponge report.

Well Day Two consisted mainly of what I like to call the Shika Show, which is, essentially, the daily sadsadsad attempts of the women at Konoha General throwing themselves at Dr. Nara, the hospital's Resident Whore (literally). You know, I heard from Dr. Hatake that even _Dr. Haruno_ had a fling with him when they were interns.

I was watching from the sidelines when Cardio Goddess (Dr. Sabaku—the one with boobs—as dubbed by Banshee, who _hates_ her but really admires her, I'm sure) was performing a CABG with Dr. Nara and Banshee. Hey, do you see a pattern here? Bastard-sensei seems to take any opportunity he can get to ship us off to other residents. You should probably make note of that, baa-chan, when you're looking to fire someone. Clearly a certain doctor isn't exactly doing the teaching required of him at a teaching hospital. Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, CG was making small talk with Dr. Nara and it was _sooooo_ obvious that Banshee was jealous, so then Banshee started subtly flirting with Dr. Nara. Then, jealous, CG began to quiz Banshee on some cardio stuff. It was funny. I know, I know – shame on me for taking pleasure in seeing my fellow intern be bashed to pieces for not knowing a few answers but…

Well, Ino's a _bitch_.

After the surgery, Harpy, (Karin from the Legal Department) came over, claiming she had stuff to discuss with Dr. Nara, because _really_, all doctors discuss legal matters in locked supply rooms.

I hate being a sponge.

* * *

DAY THREE:  
_THE NIPPLECRATIC OATH_

I hope you thought about what I wrote last time, baa-chan. The economy doesn't look like it's going to perk up any time soon (unlike Shiho's new and improved chesticles—she by the way, is _very aptly named if you know what I mean and I think you do_; she's Shika-skank number three) and you're going to have to start thinking about letting some people go.

IT'S ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THIS HOSPITAL. I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP I SWEAR.

I am talking, of course, about BASTARD-SENSEI.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL. I CAME IN ALL PREPARED, NOTEPAD IN MY POCKET—I EVEN HAD MY OWN PEN THIS TIME SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO BORROW ANY OF THE BANSHEE'S ENDLESS STICKS OF EYELINER—BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED, READY TO LEARN FROM HIS ADMITTEDLY LARGE STORE OF KNOWLEDGE (because that ENORMOUS HEAD has to be good for SOMETHING, right?) AND WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE SHIPS ME OFF TO QUEEN HYUUGA AND THE HYUUGETTES.

FML.

Ugh.

No explanation, no _anything_—just "you're with Dr. Hyuuga today, get moving," before he zipped off into Dr. Haruno's office, reportedly because he was feeling "under the weather." He's probably under something right now, all right; off frolicking, getting his STAFF inflammation checked out if you know what I mean, and I—

Anyway, UGH. BACK TO MY RANT.

I MEAN, LOG.

Her Highness was in full-form when I got there, which mostly means that it was like, not even ten in the morning and one of the nurses was already near hysterical. She was crying like she was three minutes away from popping a Xanax, and when she saw me on her way out, her face got all red. I watched as she apologized after she almost ran into Gaara, who was coming out of the closet with TV remotes in hand.

When I asked Her Highness what happened, he (predictably) was all:

"You needn't concern yourself with such minor matters, and indeed, it would behoove you to attend to your own responsibilities, instead of worrying about those which belong to other people, Uzumaki. Rather, you should concentrate on the development of your surgical technique. Truly, your lack of foresight is remarkable for an intern who has so thoroughly…"

I TUNED HIM OUT SOON AFTER THAT. Instead, I observed everyone else in the room _discreetly_, LIKE A GOOD SPONGE. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION BAA-CHAN? REMEMBER THIS WHEN IT'S TIME TO DECIDE WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES.

While Queen Hyuuga was off ranting away, Head Hyuugette—Tenten of No Last Name—was in the corner playing with his ten-blade.

(AND, NO, THIS TIME—AND PROBABLY _ONLY _THIS TIME—I REALLY _DON'T_ MEAN IT LIKE THAT.)

She stopped when she saw me looking at her though, and went all shifty-eyed when I _discreetly_ asked about why the scalpel was in her hand, as opposed to, I DON'T KNOW, in a surgeon's hands? Hospital regulations and COMMON SENSE—WHICH ANY GOOD CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF CHIEF OF SURGERY SHOULD HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF—expressly forbid taking any surgical instruments out of the O.R. (or even being in possession of them outside of the O.R.).

She's kind of a loose cannon, I think. Best to watch her.

ANYWAY, SHE WAS HARDLY THE MOST NOTE-WORTHY PERSON IN THE ROOM, QUEEN HYUUGA ASIDE.

No, that honor definitely goes to Sai the Male Nurse.

Sai the Male Nurse is like, Bastard-sensei's seventh cousin twice removed or something—and yes, more on other branches of that family tree later, I'm sure; Itachi the Slore is definitely going to pop up somewhere (probably between some lady's thighs). Before he became a nursing student, he dabbled in the arts—and by "dabbled," I mean HE DIPPED HIMSELF HEADFIRST INTO AN M.F.A. AND CAME OUT KIND OF BEDAZZLED, winkwink, I THINK (no real proof yet, but my instincts never lie)—and as a result, can't stand to walk around in the "plain" scrubs of resident nurses.

So, he goes and "modifies" his so that his stupid pasty abs are bare—says he can't "work" otherwise. And _then_, he goes and cuts the neckline of the shirt so that his man-nips are like, one tug away from revealing themselves to the universe.

I didn't understand why you let him get away with that, baa-chan, until I rifled through that file cabinet in my future office and saw his grades, and recommendations. Seems like Sai the Male Nurse got more than just his looks from the Uchiha clan.

Whatevz.

Anyway, history lesson aside, it should be noted that Sai the Male Nurse has absolutely no concept of personal space. I mean, I just blinked and all of a sudden, he was in my bubble, just…staring.

Which of course, made it the perfect time for Queen Hyuuga to realize I wasn't listening to him anymore, and look over at the both of us. By that time, Tenten of No Last Name was flipping the scalpel again, apparently having decided that my _subtle, discreet_ questioning wasn't enough of a reason for her to stop. He tossed his hair back (the exact way he did when he tried out for that Herbal Essence commercial, I'm sure) and glared at me in an attempt to be intimidating.

Bitch, please—I work with Snuffles McSnarly on a regular basis. Queen Hyuuga's death-glare could do with some tweaking (and not the good kind, either).

"Are you quite finished eyeing up my nurse, Uzumaki? I'd leave you two alone to practice enemas on each other, but I'm afraid the patient in the next room has been waiting for us for the past few minutes now. So if you and Sai could leave your whispered sweet nothings until break-time, I'd be much obliged."

And then, Sai the Male Nurse just…smiled at me. LIKE HE AGREED OR SOMETHING.

I don't care if Bastard-sensei threatens to cut my head off (again). I am never working Plastics again. EVER.

* * *

DAY FOUR:_  
SPANKS IN THE CLOSET_

So I'm back with Bastard-sensei. He seems all well-rested and…happy. Or as happy as he ever is, which basically means there's a scowl instead of an outright sneer on his face, and that he only called me "dead-last" twice this morning instead of the average eight times.

Clearly, Dr. Haruno was on point yesterday. Or, was on _his_ point, anyway.

Anyway, we were sterilizing the tools for the next surgery—Bastard-sensei is anal-retentive and insists on doing this part himself—near one of Konoha General's well-abused on-call rooms, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we hear the "unmistakable" sound of spanking.

I put "unmistakable" in quotes because it's a word straight from the bastard's mouth. See, _I_ thought that maybe it was just some textbooks falling out of that freak Kiba's locker (he hides his condoms behind them), or some custard plopping out of Chouji's usual over-stocked locker, or something innocent like that, but the second he heard it, Bastard-sensei's ears get all red and he starts blushing like a little girl.

"Someone," he said snottily—kind of a feat when you consider that he was _blushing_ at the time—"is utilizing the on-call room in an inappropriate manner."

Ugh, was he _trying_ to channel Queen Hyuuga? I realize that they are BFFs or whatever, and that really, if I were Dr. Haruno, I would be kind of concerned because the two of them hang out so much. But seriously, Bastard-sensei had the priss down pat—all he need was the hair.

Anyway, I played it cool.

I very politely asked him whether he was mad because that was _his_ on-call room—with Dr. Haruno's—and if it bugged that the sweet sweet memory of their first time (in this hospital) was being replaced by the sound of kinked-up discipline, and repetitive "_UNF, UNFs"_.

He snarled at me—baa-chan TAKE NOTE—and was about to punish me (with enemas, I bet) when, all of a sudden:

"_ITACHI!_"

The look on Bastard-sensei's face after that one—half-horror, half-disgust—filled me with love and happiness.

He didn't even have time to glare at me while I was standing there laughing—just up and left.

Probably to have Dr. Haruno sterilize _his_ equipment.

Ahem.

After Bastard-sensei left, I began to feel rather voyeuristic so I left and went to the ER. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, luck would be on my side and perhaps a massive cloud of fog would cover up the freeway and there would be this beautiful _beautiful _fifty car pile up but nay. As usual, luck was not on my side (how the hell _else_ did I end up with Bastard-sensei as my resident?). There was, however, Dr. Hatake skanking it up with Dr. Mitarashi (K. General's trauma-inducing trauma surgeon—now _she_ is a definite cut to make! THAT WOMAN TRIED TO _MOLEST_ ME ON MY FIRST DAY OF WORK, DAMMIT. I SWEAR. IT WAS SEXUAL HARASSMENT FOR SURE!), which was funny because a few hours earlier, when Bastard-sensei was making me and the Banshee do rounds, I swear Dr. Hatake was doing the same with your assistant.

What is it with this hospital and breeding slutty doctors?

It's like it gets passed on. Dr. Hatake used to have Bastard-sensei, Dr. Haruno and the Resident Whore as his interns way back when. He probably tried to have Bastard-sensei carry on his skankiness but realized that he was a monogamous blob. Psh, pansy. Anyhow, instead, he trained Dr. Nara in the Ways of the Slut.

Who the heck are you _hiring_?!

* * *

DAY FIVE:  
_THE CANDYMAN_

Today I was drinking my coffee and staring at the on-call room door. It's become a bit of a guessing game, really. "Which doctors are going to come out _this_ time?"

Unsurprisingly, it was Dr. Nara.

I didn't get to stick around and see who would come out five minutes later, trying to be all inconspicuous but _failing_ because Dr. Haruno paged me. Apparently she was feeling a little "under the weather" (clearly she and Bastard-sensei are around each other too much—or should I say inside?) and this time, I believed it. The woman looked like she'd puke all over me (ew), but alas is flu season. Ugh. She was supposed to be doing something with Dr. Uchiha—as in Itachi the Slore—but she was going to let me scrub in and direct me mostly.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID IT NOT SOUND SO AWESOME? IT WAS THE PROMISE OF INDEPENDENCE AND AWESOMENESS AND UPING MY REPUTATION. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT _WASN'T_.

BECAUSE DR. UCHIHA IS HEAD OF THE FREAKING GYNE SQUAD.

I guess it's not so bad, though. This guy gets paid to look at vaginas all day (and deliver babies and stuff but _whatever_). Before we could go do his surgery, whatever it was, he said he had to just do a quick ultrasound and that I had to come with him. Balls. The woman—that sick, sick, _sick_ woman—had her son with her so Itachi the Slore gave him a lollipop.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?!

"Where's _my_ lollipop?" she freaking _purred_, not-so-subtly eying Itachi the Slore's crotch and _licking her lips_. It was horrible.

Itachi the Slore told me to go check O.R. 2 (OH, THANK RAMEN) and make sure it was prepped so we could perform a freaking C-section. A _C-section_, baa-chan. THIS IS WHAT YOUR INTERNS ARE REDUCED TO. DO YOU NOT SEE THINGS WRONG WITH THIS?

And I didn't do much, either! Dr. Haruno ended up bailing on the surgery, leaving me with Itachi the Slore, who was too much of a control freak to let me get a commendable amount of blood on my hands. _Now_ I see how he and Bastard-sensei are related. Tch.

The rest of the day went by lamely.

Nothing out of the ordinary, really, unless you consider Bastard-sensei and Dr. Haruno not going at it like bunnies in the on-call room for once "different". As usual, Queen Hyuuga and his loyal, psycho scrub nurse were giving people new faces, Sai the Male Nurse was smiling like an epic creeper, Dr. Hatake was changing his female of choice by the hour, and Dr. Nara, by the minute.

Nope.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

There I was, minding my own business (er, except not), when out of the supply closet came _Itachi the Slore_. (Seriously, we might as well just heave a mattress in there and be done with it.)

Now, given his Slore status, I knew that he was indeed a Slut and a Whore, but I could not be prepared for what came next.

Luckily (for a change), I was able to wait until whoever he was secretly seeing came out in all her rumpled (or his, for all I know) rumpled glory since Bastard-sensei was poking away at someone's brain and Dr. Haruno was sick. Baa-chan, you won't believe this.

It was Konan.

AS IN, DR. PEIN'S ASSISTANT-SLASH-WIFE. YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO USED TO BE A DOCTOR BUT IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE BOARD.

I FEEL THAT AMONG ALL THE SKANKY, SLUTTY, _WRONGWRONGWRONG_ RELATIONSHIPS GOING ON IN THIS HOSPITAL, _THIS_ IS THE WORST.

SERIOUSLY.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED? 8D**


	2. Chapter 2

**title:** the on call chronicles  
**author:** OHWHATSHERBLANKET 8D  
**note:** Thanks for all the reviews! We're sorry this took so long. We... yeah, we just really suck. SORRY.  
**warnings:** implications of sex; cursing  
**disclaimer:** do not own _Naruto_

ALSO, we're planning an interlude chapter at some point in the future with Sasuke, Neji, or Ino narrating. Please tell us your pick from those three in a review! :D

ENJOY!

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**_-_**

**DAY SIX: _ENTER "SLOG_"**

-

I am still reeling, Slog.

Yes, Baa-chan, I'm calling this a Slog. Why? Because "The Whore Report" is like its formal title and "Slut Blog" takes _waaaay_ too long to write, honestly. I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

Anyway, I'm still reeling, Slog. Itachi and Konan—or, if the rumors are to be believed, _Konan_ and _Itachi_—are so just...

OK, let me put it this way:

Slog, in case you didn't know, Itachi sleeping with Konan—a.k.a the wife of the chairman of the board, Sir Psycho Pein himself—is the equivalent of sleeping with the Resident Slut in a public restroom after Anko's weekly Happy Hour Hoe-Down.

Without a condom.

Which, I guess, makes it any other regular weekend, really. (For Itachi, anyway)

Whatever. What will be will be—I'm sure that's not the last I've seen or heard about ItaKo.

In other news, I was assigned to Queen Hyuuga again today. It was—

Well.

It was maybe not as horrible as my last shift with him—probably because Sai the Male Nurse was apparently off earning his wings with Dr. Gai and his Merry Muppet, FabuLee (And if you're wondering why I'm calling him a muppet, then clearly you haven't had the, er, _luxury_ of looking into his doll eyes).God I'd off myself if I had to be on that service today. Or any day—I couldn't handle it with _those_ three.

But whatevz. Like I was saying—writing—today wasn't _so_ bad. With Sai the Male Nurse gone, and the Head Hyuugette mostly preoccupied by that ever-present scalpel, there wasn't much to do. I guess superficiality has to take a break sometime, yes? So today was paperwork, which should have been fine. Totally _BORING_, but fine. How hard is it to do medical charts right?

WELL, SLOG, LET ME ANSWER MY QUESTION FOR YOU.

IT IS FUCKING HARDER THAN BASTARD-SENSEI DURING THE NAZI'S ANNUAL PHYSICALS WHEN YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO THEM IN CALLIGRAPHY.

YES, SLOG—_CALLIGRAPHY_.

In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprised. It's _Queen Hyuuga_, after all. _Of course_, he'd have all his reports done in fucking _italic calligraphy_, and _of course_, he was ready for my WTF-moment. He handed me a VHS—a step-by-step guide he narrated about the basics of holding a stylus (because _of course_ it can't just be a **pen**) the right way—pointed me to the nearest VCR, and told me to get at it.

BAA-CHAN, THIS HAS TO GO AGAINST PROTOCOL—FOR MY SANITY IT HAS TO. WHO IN A HOSPITAL EVEN HAS TIME TO DECIPHER CALLIGRAPHY?!

HELLO, HALF THE REASON I BECAME A DOCTOR IS BECAUSE NO ONE EVER EXPECTS TO BE ABLE TO READ OUR HANDWRITING. AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU HAVE VIDAL OF THE SASSOONS HERE IN YOUR HOSPITAL HANDING OUT INSTRUCTIONAL TAPES.

I can't _WORK_ like this, Baa-chan!

Seriously.

Anyway, in other news, Ino the Banshee doesn't know how to shut the hell up. Oh. Oh, wait. That's not really _news_, per se, since it's sort of like, common knowledge.

We were in the middle of preparing Bastard-sensei's cases for the day (hoping that he'd let one of us—namely _me_—help out in his epic cool neuro surgery) near the nurses station when that girl from the other day—the one Queen Hyuuga freaked the hell out—came to give us something and then _squeaked_ and scurried away.

Like... _what_?

Anyway, Ino was all, "Oh, my gosh, Naruto, she totally likes you! OH, MY GOSH, YOU _HAVE_ TO ASK HER OUT. LIKE _NOW_, NARUTO. NOW!" And I was like, "Um, how 'bout you do that for me and I get Bastard-sensei's epic cool neuro surgery instead?" You see, baachan, unlike a good majority of your surgeons—attendings, residents, and interns alike—who care more about getting off than getting their jobs done, _I_ would rather perform some wicked awesome surgery than have to buy some chick dinner.

Banshee didn't seem to like my answer though. "Naruto!" she screeched (actually, for future reference, if I ever say 'Banshee _said_' I actually mean she shrieked. Or screeched. Anything that kills eardrums, really). "You should totally date her. Seriously. She looks like your type. _Seriously_."

Then I figured it out.

Stupid Banshee wanted me distracted so _she_ could take _my_ place in Bastard-sensei's surgeries.

WHAT A HOE BAG, RIGHT?

-

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* * *

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**DAY SEVEN:_TRAUMA, TRAUMA, TRAUMA_**

**-**

There are honestly some days when I wonder why I even come to work.

(Don't go trying to transfer me to derma, Baa-chan—this isn't an "I QUIT!" entry. Even if Derma DOES have better food up there, and they have like, individual massage chairs. And jumbo-sized lockers. And personal assistants who take all their notes for them.

And two-hour lunch breaks.

AND REAL RESIDENTS.

…balls.)

I was assigned to Bastard-sensei—or well, I was stuck with him. He didn't bother to ship me off to someone else, for once. We were "helping" to oversee the trauma center today, on top of his other cases, and I was expecting it to be just another day—i.e. I was expecting to be shunted off to Resident Whore or something.

But surprise, surprise—Bastard-sensei actually deigned to teach this time.

(I KNOW. I WAS LIKE, :O.)

He looked out of it though—even pastier than usual. He didn't even glare when I called him "Sassy," and he actually said "Uzumaki" when he called on me to answer a question during rounds.

Even more disturbing, _he actually called on me to answer a question during rounds_.

Slog, it _must_ be serious. My money's on a kerfuffle with Dr. Haruno—it looks like even the bastard's vulnerable (LOL) to a sex draught.

But anyway, back to my trauma.

We were running out of bandages and all of the nurses on shift were either working on other cases or AWOL—even Half-Hyuugette (Hinata, was it?) with the uneven bob, who runs away every time someone decides to breathe in her general direction—so Bastard decides to send me to the closet to get more supplies.

So after I lob my notepad at his head, I go, because I am a Good Intern (take note, Baa-chan).

I should have turned around when I heard the moaning.

I know. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. But I didn't. All I knew was that Bastard-sensei was _this _close to throttling me already, and it wouldn't help anything to come back to him empty-handed when he already had to spend half his morning supervising while we stitched up the _kidlets_ from the elementary school two blocks down. (What moron decided that it was a good idea to put the playground jungle gym on _concrete_?)

But right—the moaning.

"_Right there—oh! Yeah, Shika~"_

That was Karin. I'm sure that was Karin.

(Maybe. When they're that close, I guess they all sound kind of the same.)

I had to weigh my options—I could either walk away now and face the wrath of Baby Uchiha later, _or_ I could burn the image of Karin having Shikamaru her way into my retinas for forever.

I _almost_ walked away.

But I am a Good Intern, and saving lives comes before saving (my) eyes (again, baa-chan—watch!).

So I manned up, and opened the door like a good Sponge—NAY, like the _best_ Sponge—

…And came face to breasts with Karin from the Legal Department, straddling the Resident Whore, her thong half-on, her shirt half-buttoned, and _his stethoscope_ in her… _well you know_.

Obviously, I ran away. The second I came out, however, I was greeted by the sight of freaky white eyes. Yeah, I thought it was Queen Hyuuga too, but actually it was that nurse Ino says I should date. The Half Hyuugette. Hinata. According to Banshee and how she knows everyone's business, they're cousins. Poor girl.

Anyway, she didn't see me and she was aiming for the supply closet, so being the Good Samaritan that I am, I saved her the epic mental scarring. I was all, "WAIT! DON'T GO IN THERE!"

And then she looked at me and turned super freaking red. I kid you not, baachan, I thought she was going to explode or something. But still, my Inner (Outer?) Doctor was flailing at the prospect of a potential illness, but more importantly, a potential surgery.

So I was like, "Holy crap, are you okay?!" And I tried to touch her forehead but she freaked out and ran away.

I guess crazy runs with all the Hyuugas—

OH. WAIT.

OH YEAH. SPEAKING OF CRAZY, TODAY GAARA WAS COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET WITH _THE_ MOST SUSPICIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.

I kid you not. I was just standing by the nurses' station doing the worse Bastard-sensei's charts when I heard the door open. And you know, after being an intern with Banshee for so long, you can't quite help but instinctively perk up to the opening and closing of doors (hello! SOURCES OF GOSSIP?!) so...

Well yeah, Gaara came out. I waited for a while but no chick followed.

WEIRD, RIGHT?

LIKE WHAT THE EFF WAS HE DOING IN THERE?

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* * *

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**DAY EIGHT: _BABY BLUES_**

-

I hate my life. Well no, I hate my _job_, because really, after mountains of student loans and writing papers and missing out on Pub Nights to study, I am an indeed an intern at Konoha General like I'd always dreamt of, yet for whatever reason, I have been reduced to Sponge Duty.

_SPONGE DUTY._

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!

Whatever. Let's get to what I know you _really_ want:

Dr. Haruno is pregnant. With a baby. A _Mini Sasuke_.

I AM NOT SURE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.

She doesn't know it yet, but from spending the past few weeks with Itachi the Slore, I know pregnancy symptoms when I see them (Dr. Haruno's morning sickness has officially ruined ramen for me). Or well, I don't _think_ she knows it yet. Nah, who am I kidding? Dr. Haruno's a professional! She _has_ to know she's pregnant.

Bastard-sensei, however, professional or not, is and always will be a moron.

It was _awesome_.

So Bastard-sensei was probably in the doghouse which led to Kiba and Gaara joining me and the Banshee today. After Dr. Haruno brought them over like the nice resident we all know she definitely isn't (come on, people call her the _Nazi_!), she just walked away, which seemed to make Bastard-sensei mad because his default get-the-hell-out-of-my-face look was replaced with a go-jump-off-a-bride-before-I-_push_-you. Or something.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" he asked her. He _thought_ he was being quiet (I think) but... well Banshee and I just eavesdrop naturally, okay? Then Dr. Haruno gave him a dirty look and told him nothing was wrong. Still, Bastard-sensei, like any other man, did not know when to just _stop_, and kept going. "You've been really bitchy the past few days."

Then she said, "I'm just not feeling well, okay?"

HI, IT'S CALLED MORNING SICKNESS.

I know what you're thinking, baachan. This is sooooo coming in first place for Scandal of the Year, but ItaKo is could competition. (And no, the Shika Show isn't all that scandalous. It's just... gross. Really. Really, really gross.

THAT DIRTY, DIRTY THING THEY WERE DOING IS IN MY BRAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BAACHAN. I DESERVE A RAISE. CAN I SUE YOU? CAN I SUE THE HOSPITAL FOR DAMAGING MY FRAGILE PSYCHE? IS THAT POSSIBLE? I'D ASK THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT BUT THEN I'D SEE KARIN AND I'D _REMEMBER_.

Maybe I should ask Bastard-sensei. As stupid as he may be at recognizing his... _whateveryoucallher_ (Girlfriend? Sexy friend? I have no clue) is pregnant, he is good at his speciality (duh): neurology!

ERGO, PERHAPS HE HAS A CURE.

DO YOU THINK HE CAN DO SURGERY ON ME AND CLEANSE MY BRAIN OF ALL THE THINGS I _SO_ NEVER EVER NEEDED TO SEE IN MY LIFE?

...okay, well _one can hope_. And I suppose being unconscious in the presence of teacher who hates me and is holding a sharp, pointy _scalpel_ isn't too good.

Damn.

-

_

* * *

_

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**DAY NINE:** **_AW, IT'S AN APPY!_**

-

Okay. I was wrong. So, so, so, so wrong.

There is no Bastard Jr. on the way like I thought.

(Though if you're hoping for another dark-haired, dark-eyed brat, try the other Uchiha. Seriously. The sound of anyone snapping on their gloves for surgery, or Dr. Hatake closing his _erotic literature_ brings back uber traumatic memories I did not want.)

But yes. No baby.

Just an appendectomy.

It was funny. So across the hall, Dr. Haruno was ordering around Kiba and Gaara when suddenly she froze up and just _puked_ on the floor (and Gaara's shoes), and Kiba—oh, Kiba, ever subtle, ever _tactful_ Kiba—all but _shouted_, "LOL ARE YOU LIKE, PREGNANT, DR. HARUNO?" (fine, not exact words, but something to that tune). Then Bastard-sensei, halfway through an "Uzumaki, you are a moron", just stopped, stiffened and rushed over to her. He ordered Ino to give her an ultrasound and well...

Yeah, she's not pregnant.

Damn.

He is, however, getting all protective. Ino was having fun with holding some bit of power over Bastard-sensei, I suppose, telling him that from his meticulous and wise teachings, she learned that she was _bound_ _to_ _patient confidentiality, s_o if he wanted to know whether or not he was about to be a daddy, he had to go talk to Dr. Haruno. And so, Bastard-sensei, being the bastard and teacher he is, assigned Ino to scut.

And more scut.

And _more_, just _smirking_ at Ino when she stared at him with the biggest are-you-_shitting_ me look on her face.

It was awesome, really.

And what's better? With Ino-Bitch looking super horrible in Bastard-sensei's eyes, I now look... well not as bad as I usually do. Even I still am at "horrible" with Ino below me, I may as well be "awesome". Which I am. Whatever.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

It went like so:

Bastard-sensei was all, "Uzumaki, Dr. Hatake will be performing Dr. Haruno's appendectomy. I asked if I could assist but he declined—"

"Oh?" I interrupted, smiling. "And why is that, Bas—er, Dr. Uchiha? It's not like you guys are married or whatever. So why wouldn't he let a _great_ doctor like yourself—"

Like the rude bastard he is, Bastard-sensei cut me off. "_However_, he did say I can send in one of my interns. Apparently Dr. Haruno said he could use this surgery as a way of teaching you interns. So you're going to be helping with Dr. Haruno's appendectomy. We chose you."

So first I was like. "Oh, my friggin _god_!" Then I was like "THIS IS SO AWESOME! I GET MY OWN SURGERY." Then I was all "Ha! Wait 'til Ino hears about _this_!"

It wasn't until I went to use my bragging rights to the Banshee that I realized I was doing surgery on _The Nazi_.

Ino was all scoff-y and was like, "Well then, good luck, Naru-chan!" I gave her the finger and she twisted it. (Bitch.) "Dr. Uchiha's going to make the rest of your internship a living hell if anything goes wrong, you know."

Bitch.

I was in the middle of fml-ing when Hinata came up to me and asked if I was okay.

Obviously I was not. I needed a drink so I asked her if she wanted to get one after work and she said yes.

...nice.

-

_

* * *

_

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**DAY TEN: _BIPOLAR BASTARD(-SENSEI)_**

**_-_**

So today kind of sucked.

But it didn't start out that way.

(REALLY. I HAD SEX THREE TIMES LAST NIGHT/THIS MORNING. T'WAS AWESOME.)

Right.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT BASTARD-SENSEI SAID TO THE NAZI WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ALONE.

(Ahem. Cue the violins, plzkthnx.)

After Dr. Hatake asked (read: ordered) me to do his pre-op rounds—probably so _he _could do some _rounds_ with that freak Anko—I went over to the Nazi's room (and _KNOCKED_, because half of the trauma I've gotten from this place comes from my not doing just that) and LO AND BEHOLD.

WHO WAS THERE BUT BASTARD-SENSEI.

I really shouldn't have been too surprised. I mean, when he asked her what was wrong after she threw up and the fact that he even noticed that she had been, and I quote, "really bitchy the past few days" should have signaled that he and the Nazi were... you know—more than just a casual fling. I mean, someone actually had to tell Bastard-sensei when_ your _other protégé went and got preggers that one time after she and Dr. Shiranui forgot to use a rubber. He's _that_ unconcerned with people that don't concern him.

So _obviously_, Dr. Haruno concerns him in more than just a sexy-friends kind of way.

But still, it was weird to hear them so... _attached_. (And contrary to the rest of this Slog, I mean that in a not-dirty way this time.)

I mean, obviously, I didn't overhear the whole thing, but Dr. Haruno was all "I'll be fine, Sasuke-kun. Stop worrying."

She called him _Sasuke-kun._

And he was all, "I'm _not_ worrying. I'm just trying to figure out which one of your interns is least likely to kill your patients while you're in recovery."

But he so was worrying—even I could hear that, and I wasn't even in the room.

What they said today... just—it kind of made them more... human? Or something. Like, for one brief shining moment, Dr. Haruno was more than just a megaphone set permanently on "NAZI," and Bastard-sensei was more than just as a bastard set permanently on "BASTARD".

BUT IT DID NOT TAKE AWAY FROM MY HILARITY WHEN I HEARD THE FOLLOWING:

Dr. Haruno (DH): "Sasuke-kun, I already apologized—even if it really isn't _my_ fault that my appendix decided to rupture, you know."

Bastard-sensei (BS): "Well excuse me for worrying about you."

DH: "It's sweet, Sasuke-kun. But try not to, all right? It's not really helping me now—if anything, this whole thing is _your _fault. You're a big part of the reason I've been stressing so much—"

[And then, I guess, the emotion got to be too much for old BS (LOL) and he said:]

BS: "—And you make my day not suck as much. So do me a favor and just try not to die on the table. You know how difficult it is dealing with people like that Uzumaki. This hospital needs more than just me to teach those morons how to think with their heads instead of their scalpels."

Really, Bastard-sensei should have more faith in me. I _am_ going to be holding a scalpel when they operate on her, aren't I?

Anyway, right after he said that, he _flounced_ out of the room.

I swear, if scrubs had capes, his would have been billowing in the non-existent breeze behind him.

I muffled my laughter just in time to see him give me the Stank Eye of Doom.

"Don't mess this up, Uzumaki. _I'll be watching_."

But I couldn't even pretend to be scared. After the heartfelt confession (LOL), his intimidation factor all but disappeared.

Anyway, that little interlude was basically the best part of my day.

Baa-chan, I'll give you a play-by-play so that the next time you decide I don't deserve a pay raise (and no I'm _not_ still bitter that you doubled Ino's and Gaara's) I can shove the Slog in your face, and prove you wrong.

As I thought, Dr. Haruno's surgery was _hell_ for various reasons.

It really shouldn't have been. I mean, it was an _APPY._ Nazi or no Nazi, Dr. Haruno's appendix is just like anyone else's. But the problems began from the minute we prepped her.

First, Bastard-sensei went all Pocahontas on everyone trying to prep her for surgery. And by that, I mean that he kept trying to shield her with his body while the nurses were rolling the gurney to the OR. I guess he thought the sight of her naked arm would excite us all to orgasm or something.

Then, as Dr. Hatake was explaining the procedure to us interns—not that _I_ didn't already know it—Bastard-sensei kept hovering like we were all there to engage in a mass-orgy, rather than to perform a laparoscopic appendectomy, even though he totally wasn't even supposed to be in there. Duh, that red line is _outside_ the OR for a reason.

Honestly, if Dr. Hatake hadn't shoved him out while the anesthesiologist was doing his part, I'm sure we would have all gotten a replay of the _raburabu _pow-wow I overheard in Dr. Haruno's room, complete with FabuLee sparkles and an "I'LL NEVER LET GO," tossed in for good measure. Thankfully, aside from a few snarled curses, Bastard-sensei left on his own, though not without saying "I'LL END YOU IF THIS DOESN'T END WELL."

Oh, that Bastard-sensei. _Sooooooo _supportive of his interns.

Thankfully, your attendings are a _lot_ nicer, Baa-chan. Except not really. Dr. Hatake just gave me this really bored look and said that he was sure I wasn't going to be killing anyone today.

And really, it just got better and better after that.

Dr. Hatake had just made the third incision, and he'd only just started to introduce the carbon dioxide when I heard the tapping.

I looked up into the gallery, and what do I see but Bastard-sensei stalking around all rabid and clearly worried for Dr. Haruno. It would have been touching if he didn't look so deranged, tapping his forehead against the glass like it was WWII and we were all waiting for his commands in Morse code, or something. (Seriously, baa-chan—I question your hiring practices.)

A few seconds later, the intercom not five steps away from me started to beep. One of the scrub nurses pressed it, and all of a sudden, we hear "IS IT IN YET?"

Dr. Nara, who was standing upright—and even more amazing, was fully clothed for a change—just looked up, smirked at him, and said "That's what she said."

(I only barely stopped myself from snorting. Clearly, Dr. Nara is lacking in maturity, unlike me.)

Well, Baachan, you've read enough of the Slog to know that there's no way that Bastard-sensei was gonna let that one slide, but clearly this whole "surgery-on-the-love-of-his-life" thing was getting to him, because he wasn't nearly as bitchy as he usually is when people insult him.

"I only wanted to know the status of one of our mutual coworkers, Dr. Nara." The sneer was still there but there wasn't as much venom.

Dr. Nara sighed. "It's laparoscopic surgery, Uchiha—you _did _go to medical school right?" He didn't even wait for a reply. "Then you should know that in another few minutes, Haruno will be back in

her room, where you can coddle her without the rest of us having to hear about it."

(OH NO HE _DI-INT_, Z-SNAP, DA-_YUM_, ETC.)

Surprising as the outburst was—I guess one of the side-effects of excess sex is bitchiness—Dr. Nara got us a few more moments of blessed silence.

And then, Bastard-sensei started up again:

"Are we certain that the laparoscopic method was the best way to treat Dr. Haruno's appendix? What do you expect her reaction will be to the carbon dioxide? Did you do an EKG before you wheeled her in? Kakashi, are _you _sure the camera has been sterilized? Are you—"

And I don't know what made me say it. I _really_ don't—probably the same thing that made Dr. Nara say _his_ peace.

I opened my mouth and:

"SHUT THE HELL UP, BASTARD-SENSEI. This is_ laparoscopic _surgery_._ She's not going to die. She can handle the camera, and as you know, the camera isn't going to hurt her or anything. So stop worrying and let us _fix_ her. Anyway, Dr. Haruno's had bigger things in her than this camera if you know what I mean, _and I think you do_."

And the OR just... stopped—for about a split-second, anyway, until everyone remembered that _hello, there is a BODY on the table_, and it belongs to one of our own.

Sigh.

I didn't even bother looking up at Bastard-sensei after my spiel—though, it would've been nice to see him frothing at the mouth—but I could _feel_ the "scut-duty-for-a-_month"_ glare burning through my scrubs.

Anyway, we closed her up soon after, and shuffled out.

Predictably, after I scrubbed out, Bastard-sensei was waiting for me all stalker-like near the entrance of the OR.

He slammed me against a wall and leaned in so close I could smell the tomato he had for lunch that day.

(In other words, Dr. Haruno—who has a totally obvious lust for boy-love of all kinds—had she been conscious, would have been squeeing at our position.)

"You pull any of the crap you pulled today, Uzumaki, and the next time you see the inside of an operating room, you'll be _on_ the table, instead of standing over it. You're on scut for a _month_. Now get the hell out of my face."

He stalked off—probably to swoon over Dr. Haruno's unconscious body—his hips swaying like Banshee's during Tuesday's Lady's Night at Shino's bar across the street.

Ugh. Scut for a month.

And to top off the rest of this craptastic afternoon, I'm starting to feel a little chafed—

In my pants.

No. Seriously.

-

**TBC**

* * *

Yeah, this was very Sasuke and Sakura oriented. Next chapter will feature more Shikamaru and Itachi. 8D

AND PROPS TO WHOEVER GETS WHAT NARUTO IS SAYING IN THOSE LAST FEW LINES. And once again, please vote!


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